My eyes were opened at last.Last week, one Presidential candidate accused the other of meeting “in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of U.S. sovereignty in order to enrich these global financial powers.” The candidate also spoke of a global conspiracy of multinational corporations and media.
Inspired by this speech, I was able to contact a member of this international cabal in their secret headquarters in Zurich. It turns out you just dial 1-800-UN CABAL. What follows is an unedited transcript of the interview.
Me: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Oh, hi. Um, thanks for taking time to talk with me. I know you must be super busy right now, what with rigging the election and all that.
Cabal Member: Never too busy to talk to a professor. You folks are our best unwitting dupes.
Me: Huh. Didn’t know that. So . . . I was calling to ask if the cabal was involved in the climate change issue. You know anything about that?
Cabal Member: Are you kidding? We totally invented that — part of the plan to bring the American economy to its knees and wipe out U.S. sovereignty.
Me: Wow, I thought that whole “Chinese hoax” thing was made-up.
Cabal Member: Well, not Chinese. Actually, someone in the Des Moines field office came up with it. But same idea.
Me: So there’s really nothing to the idea of climate change? Nothing??
Cabal Member: Not a darn thing. [Chuckling] We faked it. It was a big job — had to rig about ten million thermometers around the world and a bunch of satellites.
Me: I didn’t know you had that kind of power. Very impressive. Wow. . .But how do you actually make money out of this? That’s the point, isn’t it?
Cabal Member: You’re going to love this part. Real super-villain stuff! Get this: When the whole world switches to solar energy, we’ll have mirrors in space and cut off all the sunlight unless they pay up big time. We call it “geo-engineering with a vengeance.” [Diabolical laugh]
Me: I guess I have to give you credit for thinking big, anyway!
Cabal Member: Hey, it’s been great to talk but I’ve got to run. Busy, busy. The work never ends in a global conspiracy.
Me: Well, o.k. It’s been real interesting. Thanks for taking time to speak with me.
Cabal Member: Always a pleasure.
So, there you have it. I’m about to go into the witness protection program, so don’t expect to hear from me again anytime soon.
P.S. These days it’s hard to tell whether something is a parody or not. This is.