Andy and Dave Shoot the Breeze
An inside look at the Trump Administration.
[Open with a shot of Interior Secretary David Bernhardt at his desk with his phone to his ear. Ring tone in the background. Split screen after EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler picks up.]
Bernhardt: Hey Andy, how ya doin’? How’s life in the Inferior Department?
Wheeler: Not so bad, Davey boy, not so bad.
B: You in the clear on the Ukraine stuff?
[Camera switches to Wheeler]
W: Never even heard of the country until a couple of months ago. [chuckles] Or anyway that’s my story.
[close-up of Bernhardt].
B: I’m keeping well clear myself. We had some of those painted Ukrainian Easter eggs. I told the wife, “Gena, get rid of those eggs today.” She thought I was joking, but heck, you can never be too careful.
[back to split screen]
W [chuckling]: Smart move. I don’t even eat Polish sausage nowadays — too close to Kiev.
B: What’s up at your end of things? Any trouble with those Deep Staters at EPA?
W: The usual, all they do is whine. But hey, we’re doin’ so many rollbacks, we had to use our rearview mirrors to avoid collisions.
B: Kind of annoying that your science board has been a nuisance.
W: More than just annoying. [drums fingers on desk.] I packed the board with our industry buddies but two of those idiots still voted for tougher air quality standards. [snorts] Scientists!
B: Tell me about it. [scowling] Scientists are the worst. The absolute effing worst. Except for journalists of course.
W [looking disgusted]: Yeah, and the courts don’t really help either.
B [sighing]: No indeed. We keep gettin’ slapped down for ignoring climate change, of all things.
W: My old boss Jim Inhofe woulda just thrown a snowball at those fools in black robes. Remember when he brought a snowball into the Senate and blew up the whole libtard climate hoax?
B [sigh]: Those were the days, weren’t they? Great times for your coal clients and my industry guys.
W: But not such bad times now, from what my former clients tell me. Not bad at all.
B: Speaking of the libtards, I just love the way you’ve been sticking it to California. About all I can do is threaten them with oil drilling. Oh, and I can move water around, forgot about that. We’re sure hopin’ to kill off those darn Delta fish once and for all. Easiest way to delist a species is kill it off! Who even knew California had a Delta, anyway?
W: I gotta admit, it does put a smile on my face to go after those smug so-and-so’s in California. And Barr’s guys have been great about dreaming up the lawsuits. Helps to have the White House behind it.
B: Fun times, fun times….[voice is heard in the background] Looks like I gotta go — got some oil leases to sign. Drill, baby, drill!
W: Hafta get back to deregulating a few industries myself. Work, work, work – it never ends.
B: And hey, remember: don’t keep any darn transcripts of phone calls. That never ends well!
[Both hang up laughing.]
—- No presidential appointees were harmed during the making of this blog post —-
Dan Farber has written and taught on environmental and constitutional law as well as about contracts, jurisprudence and legislation. Currently at Berkeley Law, he has al…READ more