Andy and Dave Shoot the Breeze

An inside look at the Trump Administration.

[Open with a shot of Interior Secretary David Bernhardt at his desk with his phone to his ear. Ring tone in the background.  Split screen after EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler picks up.]

Bernhardt:  Hey Andy, how ya doin’?  How’s life in the Inferior Department?

Wheeler:  Not so bad, Davey boy, not so bad.

B:  You in the clear on the Ukraine stuff?

[Camera switches to Wheeler]

W: Never even heard of the country until a couple of months ago. [chuckles] Or anyway that’s my story.

[close-up of Bernhardt].

B:  I’m keeping well clear myself.  We had some of those painted Ukrainian Easter eggs.  I told the wife, “Gena, get rid of those eggs today.” She thought I was joking, but heck, you can never be too careful.

[back to split screen]

W [chuckling]:  Smart move.  I don’t even eat Polish sausage nowadays — too close to Kiev.

B:  What’s up at your end of things? Any trouble with those Deep Staters at EPA?

W:  The usual, all they do is whine.  But hey, we’re doin’ so many rollbacks, we had to use our rearview mirrors to avoid collisions.

B:  Kind of annoying that your science board has been a nuisance.

W:  More than just annoying.  [drums fingers on desk.] I packed the board with our industry buddies but two of those idiots still voted for tougher air quality standards. [snorts]  Scientists!

B:  Tell me about it.  [scowling] Scientists are the worst. The absolute effing worst. Except for journalists of course.

W [looking disgusted]:  Yeah, and the courts don’t really help either.

B [sighing]:  No indeed. We keep gettin’ slapped down for ignoring climate change, of all things.

W:  My old boss Jim Inhofe woulda just thrown a snowball at those fools in black robes.  Remember when he brought a snowball into the Senate and blew up the whole libtard climate hoax?

B [sigh]:  Those were the days, weren’t they?  Great times for your coal clients and my industry guys.

W:  But not such bad times now, from what my former clients tell me.  Not bad at all.

B:  Speaking of the libtards, I just love the way you’ve been sticking it to California.  About all I can do is threaten them with oil drilling.  Oh, and I can move water around, forgot about that.  We’re sure hopin’ to kill off those darn Delta fish once and for all.  Easiest way to delist a species is kill it off! Who even knew California had a Delta, anyway?

W:   I gotta admit, it does put a smile on my face to go after those smug so-and-so’s in California.  And Barr’s guys have been great about dreaming up the lawsuits. Helps to have the White House behind it.

B:  Fun times, fun times….[voice is heard in the background] Looks like I gotta go — got some oil leases to sign. Drill, baby, drill!

W:  Hafta get back to deregulating a few industries myself.  Work, work, work – it never ends.

B: And hey, remember: don’t keep any darn transcripts of phone calls.  That never ends well!

[Both hang up laughing.]

—- No presidential appointees were harmed during the making of this blog post —-